Hi! It’s me, Jessica Jean, and competing in a bikini competition gave me the confidence and power to conquer my body and mind.
I’ve been seeing a lot of “triggering” content on social media the past few months and no one can deny it: super thin is back in.
We should have seen this coming when they brought back low-rise jeans. Now, otherwise healthy women are using Ozempic and claiming they have Pilates arms. It’s all too familiar for this Millennial, so I want to throw my two cents out there about chasing extreme thinness.
As I write this, I’m sitting in a Starbucks enjoying an egg white feta wrap and a nonfat cappuccino with 3 Splendas. And yes, it’s logged into Myfitnesspal.
That sentence alone probably has you questioning if I really am free from disordered eating. Many people blame Myfitnesspal for their disordered eating so I understand why you’d think that. If I had access to the app back in 2008 at the start of my spiral into disordered eating I’d probably have a negative relationship with it as well. I can see how it would make restricting calories much easier.
Back in my day, I had to count calories the old-fashioned way- pen and paper. I’d write it at the bottom of my perfectly organized agenda next to homework assignments. Usually, it wasn’t much more than 2 tangelos spread throughout the school day, a few crackers, and some kind of meal bar before cheer practice. Maybe a salad from Dions if I was splurging. I didn’t have much energy for practice, and I’d go to the gym after because 2 hours of cheer practice wasn’t enough of a workout. I’d drive home and weigh myself, take progress pictures, then determine if I’d eat dinner. I was an active member in some pro-anorexia groups online, though even to this day I don’t know if I fully met the “requirements”. They’d be so disgusted with me today!
I read a book called “Skinny Bitch” and decided I’d become vegan. Had I read this book at age 33, I would have tossed it in the trash. But it got in the hands of a 17-year-old girl desperate to be Candice Swanepoel thin. Becoming vegan, and later vegetarian, was an easy way to say “no” to food. I received some occasional teasing but at least I didn’t have to explain myself. A perfect cover!
I began finding my way to moderation when I got into CrossFit around age 22. Though I wasn’t gaining strength like I should’ve been for someone Crossfitting 4-5 times a week. I was making big mistakes- running 3 miles BEFORE Crossfit on minimal calories being a big one. No wonder I was emotionally dysregulated and tired most days. This girl needed a pizza.
Our coaches would encourage us to eat more paleo-style foods. But I stuck to meal bars and cereal. I didn’t see the issue because I didn’t think I was thin enough. The way I saw it, if people weren’t concerned about my thinness (and no one was) then I wasn’t thin enough.
I never spoke about my life with an eating disorder and I hid it incredibly well. Even writing that I don’t like how “eating disorder” sounds. I prefer “disordered eating”. Not because I’m ashamed, but because it shatters the image I wanted to portray. If you are reading this and you struggle with having a healthy body image, I hope I can inspire you to see there is another way.
You don’t even have to abandon your goal for aesthetics. I sure haven’t. But disordered eating is NOT the way. It’s wasting your time and depleting your mental and physical energy. I KNOW you’re tired.
I’ve learned ALOT about fitness, beauty, and mental health in the almost 15 years since I engaged in pro-eating disorder content. I’ve been recovering from engaging in disordered eating behaviors and thoughts for about 8 years. I owe most, if not all, of my mental health gains to bodybuilding. Sounds counterintuitive right?!
Here’s what I learned over the past 8 years of bodybuilding and how it has shaped my views on perfectionism, health, and body image.
It’s (Mostly) An Illusion
I say mostly because some fit people look amazing all the time, but it’s not the norm.
What you see online is usually “show day” (or the few days around show day) posted and reposted for content purposes. This is the one or two weeks where their abs are shredded and their jawline is popping.
I used to follow a lot of bikini competitors and IG models and just be blown away at how beautiful they are. After competing in a bikini competition, I know what goes into looking showday or photoshoot ready. It’s a lot of time, money, and effort. You’re paying for tans, hair, makeup, and nails. These models are picture-perfect for about 24 hours for their shoots then they reuse their batch of content until they have more content to post. It was very common to do multiple photo shoots during the few weeks leading up to show day. Their best photos get the most engagement so can you blame them? I know I got a lot of “wow” comments when I was at my leanest too. You’re not even taking into account all the post-photoshoot editing. It’s amazing what a skilled editor can accomplish. So when you see a beautiful person online, remember you’re most likely seeing them on their best and most expensive day.
I Understand My Body
It doesn’t make a difference what you eat. It’s how much you eat. Some would argue with me on this but this is just my experience. If you eat too little you can’t grow muscle and you slow your metabolism. But if you eat too much, you will gain unnecessary fat. Both are two extremes best to avoid.
Bodybuilding has given me knowledge of my body. If I want to add muscle, I can. If I want to burn fat, I can do that. I’m not throwing everything at the wall hoping something sticks like I used to. Bodybuilding has taught me the intricacies of how to build on my weaknesses and how to add supporting nutrients for the goal. A marathon runner and an Olympic lifter will not have the same nutritional needs. I finally know my range of calorie and macronutrient consumption (my baseline) so I don’t gain or lose weight. This confidence makes me feel at ease around food. I no longer see food as good or bad and I realize it’s the trend over time that matters.
I Can Love & Respect My Body While Improving It
When I go to the gym, it’s not to punish myself. I can look in the mirror and see what I’d like to improve and not let it define me. It sounds corny, but I see myself for who I am separate from my physical body. My body is only a body. I am not my body. I want to look a certain way but I know it won’t change anything about who I am or my life on a larger scale. The thing about chasing aesthetics is there is always more to chase after. You will never have the best hair, best smile, or physique. You definitely won’t have all of them at once! So I focus on maximizing what I’ve got and let go of unrealistic expectations.
My Social Media Following is Not Helping Me Achieve My Goals
I had to stop following a lot of people online. Why do we need to see super thin bikini models on our IG feed? It’s actually kind of weird. Unless I am friends with this person and am cheering them on, I unfollow them!
Finding content creators older than me that I can be inspired by and learn from is much better for my mental health than following most younger creators. Ask yourself “What are they teaching me”? Most models aren’t helping me reach my fitness or life goals so they have to go!
Bodybuilding is not for everyone but it can be healing for many. What do you think? Have you ever struggled with disordered eating and what helped you overcome it?